I used to love celebrating Christmas. Every year, right after Thanksgiving, my dad, my twin brother, and I used to hop in the car together and drive down the street to a place called Brian & Kelly’s Christmas Trees. My brother and I would rip around the lot, playing tag and taking in the smell of the pine trees. We would eventually search for the perfect tree for our living room – usually a thick Douglas fir just over nine feet tall.
I remember the excitement of the tree being delivered to our house. I remember my mom putting on Christmas music, and I remember decorating the tree as a family. I remember my brother and I playfully arguing over who got to put the twinkling star on the top of the tree. The holidays were always full of so much light and joy and magic when I was a kid.
In those days, I never really thought about the possibility that, one day, my little family wouldn’t get to celebrate together.
When the Holidays Lose Their Light
It wasn’t until a couple of weeks after I graduated from high school that I got the phone call that would change my life forever. It was the phone call that no one ever wants to get – the moment when the rug gets pulled out from under your feet, and reality as you know it seems to shatter into a million pieces. A close family friend was calling to let me know that my dad had died.
When I tell you that the pain I felt was the most excruciating, soul-crushing feeling that I have ever experienced, I am in no way exaggerating. In those summer months after his death, I remember feeling numb, I remember wondering why it had happened, I remember crying myself to sleep on many different occasions, and I also remember feeling immense gratitude for the fact that the last words that I ever said to my dad were “I love you.” I know not everyone is so lucky.
What I didn’t know at the time was just how hard the holidays would become.
What was once a time for family and joy became a glaring reminder of the loss that I had experienced. There was an enormous hole in my heart, a missing energy among the Christmas get-togethers, a laugh that used to fill the room but now only echoed in my memories. Losing my dad caused an absence so large that I was not sure how I could ever enjoy the holidays again.
I spent three Christmases trying to figure out how to make the most of the holidays despite the loss, and I took just about every route that I could try. For one Christmas, I decked out my house with a tree and decorations, just like I used to with my family. For another, I rebelled and tried to avoid Christmas altogether by leaving the country. And for another, I spent some very intentional time with my family and friends and tried to make new, happy memories.
Despite my best efforts, they were three very sad Christmases. What I didn’t know at the time was that those were the last three Christmases I would get with my mother.
Managing Grief over the Holidays
Nine and six years later, respectively, after the deaths of both my parents, I am still trying to fill the hole in my heart that aches even harder over the holidays. The funny thing is that, even though it does seem to get a little easier with time, the pain never really goes away completely.
Grief is a very tricky thing to grapple with. There are no simple, cookie-cutter ways to “move on” when you lose someone you love with all of your heart. The years go by. The grief changes form. But it’s always hanging around in one way or another.
As an Advocate (INFJ) personality type, I have spent a lot of time trying to understand my grief and make peace with it, and through this process, I’ve arrived at three tips that always give me some solace as I grapple with grief over the holidays. I hope that they can help you too.
1. Honor How You Feel
In his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, author and grief expert David Kessler writes, “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. This doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”
People have a tendency to try reframing grief, and this is usually very well-intentioned. But when it comes to grief over the holidays, we need to recognize that we don’t always have to look at the bright side or hide our emotions. If the people around us cannot hold space for us, we can give ourselves permission to witness our own grief. This means accepting our feelings for what they are when they pop up – without judgment.
It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry or disappointed. And it is also okay to have mixed emotions. In fact, it’s quite normal to experience a wide range of different emotions when processing a major loss, regardless of your personality type. In our “Grieving” survey, we see that 54% of respondents say they feel many mixed emotions – both good and bad – when they are grieving.
So during the holidays, remember to take care of yourself. Don’t try to suppress or manipulate your emotions to fit into an idealistic narrative of joy and cheer. Embrace your feelings, allow yourself the space to grieve, and be kind and patient with yourself as you adjust to this new chapter of your life.
2. Remember the People You Have Lost
Losing someone close to you can be a very isolating experience – especially as time passes. The idea that the world keeps on spinning without the person you lost can be very difficult to wrap your head around.
So after many years without my parents, when it feels like everyone else in the world has forgotten them, I like to honor their memory during the holidays by remembering who they were, what they were all about, and the little things that they loved.
I make an effort to remember the values that guided their lives – kindness, honesty, bravery, and recognizing that all humans everywhere are equally valuable – and I work extra hard to live my life according to those values. I also listen to the Christmas carols that they loved. I decorate my house with my mom’s favorite flowers. I cook their favorite meals. And I take the time to remind myself that their lives and their deaths both mattered.
Of course, I can do these things any time of year, but there’s something particularly soothing about doing them when my heart is hurting over the holidays.
3. Live the Fullest Life That You Can
Death teaches us many different lessons about what it means to be alive. For me, one of the most important lessons that I’ve learned from experiencing the deaths of people who were so close to me is that life – in all its imperfections and joys and sorrows – is very short. Tomorrow isn’t promised.
This realization has prompted a shift in my perspectives and priorities. It has heightened my awareness of each passing moment and continues to encourage me to live my life to the fullest extent possible. I know this might sound extremely cliché, but hey, life’s like that sometimes.
So if you happen to find yourself struggling with your grief this holiday season, first of all, remind yourself that it’s okay. Then remind yourself of all the things that light your soul on fire and make life worth living. Revisit old hobbies or rediscover a passion that you may have forgotten. Spend time with the people who love you and make you laugh. Nurture yourself and your life, because your life matters, too, and you only get one.
Final Takeaway
It can be challenging to muster up any holiday cheer when you’re missing the very people who used to make those moments so special. But even though it’s hard, try to keep in mind that your grief speaks volumes to the profound love that they gave you and that still exists inside you. It may have been a tragedy to lose the person who made this love possible, but not having known their love at all would have been an even worse one.
With that, here are some questions for all of the different personality types out there: Have you ever experienced a loss that changed your view of the holidays? If you have, how do you cope? And how do you honor the people you’ve lost? We invite you to share your experiences and wisdom in the comments below.